Still can’t put a price on it.

San Francisco – With the always-hot Summer Quarter just around the corner, analysts anticipate that frenzied investing will push up the Bass Index and weekends will become long and sleepless. Thus, this last month of the Spring Quarter is when savvy investors begin looking for ways to prepare for the intense Bass season.

“If I just rolled out of bed and onto the hot summer trading floor, I’m liable to pull a hammy,” said one veteran trader, the sweat already forming on his brow. “The floor feels harder and harder every year.”

Luckily for the savvy trader, False Profit, LLC has spent the past six years perfecting a product to ease investors into the hot Summer Quarter.

The newest version of the product, known as Spring Training, is slated to become available on June 3rd, 2012. If that sounds good, there’s one more thing to love: the price tag. Because the product is free.

“I’m sold!” was a common refrain among traders after the announcement.

“We believe we have developed the best solution yet to help people through that tough Spring-to-Summer transition,” said Jay Oberhelman, Director of False Profit’s new Ice Research initiative.

Spring Training will happen for the 7th consecutive year on Sunday, June 3rd from noon to 8pm at Joaquin Miller Park (Woodminster Falls, 3300 Joaquin Miller Rd, Oakland) and feature a full compliment of False Profit’s Personal Trainers:

• alxndr
• benchun
• broxtronix
• djjd
• kid kameleon
• obi-j
• tinker
• watsonix

sound by Word of Mouth and Full Spektrum Audio

Summer is definitely heating up – come kick it with $2 Red Stripes, pizza by donation, and all your homies. EQUITY = THE FALSE PROFIT HAPPY HOUR. Featuring…

J0 (spinach and feta)

Stephanie Luz (pineapple, mushroom, and basil)

Greetings, investors! Exciting times call for exciting communications from excited people, and here at False Profit we’ve got all that in spades. The company remains at the forefront of a number of intersecting fields in the sociopolitoacousticalfuntertainment space and we have so many developments going on for our members that we’ve decided it’s time to (re)launch an occasional newsletter communique. This will let you, designated members of the Fun Percent, have the latest up-to-date insider information at your fingertips as, together, we enrich our lives.

UPCOMING EVENTS

PRICELESS
The Priceless Team is hustlin’ to make the 7th Priceless the dopest one yet. We’re currently accepting applications for funded art projects and looking for people to lead all manner of activities at the event. Stay tuned for an announcement on ticket sales and hope to see you all in Belden!

SPRING TRAINING
Back again… you know the deal.
Noon – 8 pm, Sunday, June 3rd
Joaquin Miller Park, Woodminster Falls, Oakland

EQUITY
5:30 – 9:00 pm, Wednesday, May 9th
Il Pirata, 2007 16th Street, San Francisco

FALSE PROFIT RECORDS
On the experimental tip, FPR is releasing the debut EP Everhelper by Palindrome (JD’s ambient/downtempo alias) as this goes to press.  Alternately languorous and full of tension, the four musical sketches evoke moods of introspection and exploration, affection and conflict.  A bonus track has been added exclusively for the label release:  Palindrome’s earlier work “Blixer” remixed by Polish artist Neutral aka PH-7.  You can find Everhelper and other great releases on False Profit Records.

LIMO
Despite our better judgement, we bought a 1977 Lincoln Continental limousine off Craigslist. Why? Because we fell in love with it, and that’s how love works.

TACOCOPTER
Tacocopter, the service which delivers tacos by flying autonomous robot, ended up on Colbert and in the Huffington Post! Props to Dustin for bringing this delicious future to the people.

SPRINGBOARD
Alexander Warnow, aka FP resident DJ Alxndr, is excited to announce a new round of Springboard starting in May, 2012 in San Francisco and the East Bay! Springboard is a 3.5 month long workshop for artists & creatives. It meets every other week to bring community and accountability to people’s creative projects. You owe it to yourself and, dare we say it, to the world to let your gifts and talents shine by creating something tangible and real. This is, by the way, how Palindrome’s Everhelper EP was brought from idea to reality.

SXSW
This year danah gave a talk called The Power of Fear in Networked Publics, and Dabu presented on the work behind CIA : Operation Ajax, which has just been optioned to be an animated feature.

OCCUPY
AaronB, Jef Pearlman and Chloe organized a conversation between law professor Larry Lessig and Pulitzer prize-winning journalist Chris Hedges.  Chloe moderated a deep and fascinating discussion about corporate personhood — an issue near and dear to the heart of False Profit, LLC — and how we can best undermine it to reclaim our democracy for real people, not corporate people.

Similarly, AaronB is working with a group trying to break up the Too Big To Fail banks, by helping people and institutions move their money to smaller banks, by educating about the loophole-filled regulations and backdoor deals that keep these banks alive, and by bringing fun and exciting actions directly to the front door of the banks and ratings agencies.  Their next step will be to take the party to Bank of America’s shareholder meeting, May 9th in Charlotte, NC.

Chloe has also been organizing events in New York City aimed at bringing new circles of people into the Occupy frame. Her group, the Awareness Experiment, just put on a 500 person forum at the Bowery Hotel (the third in a series) with talks, discussions, and music. Years of party-throwing with False Profit trained her well for that endeavor.

Finally, on Tuesday, May 1st several members of FP will be found all over New York City flexing these same well-honed skills to organize a day of massive public celebrationsin support of a better world. Some of the many highlights:

• Marc Scheff will be co-coordinating a free art fair in Bryant Park, from 8:00 am to 2:00 pm
• Anya Kamenetz will give a teach-in on gift economies and alternatives to capitalism at 11:00 am, also in Bryant Park
• Chloe will be organizing a picnic in Madison Square Park starting at noon. Check in with the Awareness Experiment FB page for updates.
• Jordan Fletcher will be part of a team deploying a “Silent Disco”-esque FM radio station with two full days of programming
• AaronB, Marc Scheff, and others will take part in a choir convergence in Madison Square Park at 5:30 pm
• and many more will participate in a giant, several hundred person-strong  “Guitarmy” with Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine.  Talk about a Tuesday night party!

NEWS OF NOTE

• Sam’s thesis Mechanism for the Evolution of Phosphorlyation Sites made Cell, and he expects to get his PhD in Biomedical Informatics from Stanford, just in time for Priceless.
• Calli is graduating from Academy of Art with a BFA focused on menswear design. Keep an eye on her blog for details.
• Stephanie got a sweet new job developing partnerships for new programs at Population Media Center – but had to move to Vermont for it!
• Sahar has been involved in the Coalition for a Safe San Francisco push to protect San Franciscans from FBI Intelligence abuses. After years of work and a threat by the Mayor to veto the proposed Ordinance, the City has agreed on a compromise.
• danah managed to get Lady Gaga and Oprah Winfrey to talk about her research; she’s helping Lady Gaga start Born This Way Foundation, intended to empower youth and inspire bravery.

FALSE PROFIT DJS

NEW MIXES
The False Profit DJs launched a collective Soundcloud Group, plus a whole boatload of mixes:
Alxndr – Live @ FP’s NYE
benchun – Standby
DJJD – Forward Looking Back
DJoolz – Beachton Priceless
Obi-J – Live at Dance Club 2-24-12
Tinker – Memekast 071
Tinker – Tinker x AmpSoul

UPCOMING GIGS
Alxndr – April 25 @ Ecstatic Dance, Oakland, CA
Tinker – May 17-21 @ Symbiosis Gathering, Pyramid Lake, NV
Tinker – June 2 @ Home Bass, Oakland, CA
Everyone! – June 30 – July 2 @ Priceless, Belden, CA

Using advanced statistical techniques, analysts normally devoted to creating math-based sports sensations like Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow are making unlikely prediction to win this year’s World Series: False Profit, LLC. The potent combination of new mixes from Obi-J, benchun, ALXNDR, DJoolz, and two new mixes from Tinker, along with the announcement of Priceless 2012, have added up to push the sabermetrics off the chart over the past month.

Join us for some early-season action with guest all-stars from team Easy Slap:

• Drewmin (pineapple and jalapeno)
• Redivider (mushrooms and olives)

As befits any overnight athletic sensation, we’ll have unlimited $2 Red Stripes and pizza-by-donation. Bring any other bad ideas to help get the game under way.

To mark Sunday’s annual beginning of Daylight Saving Time, False Profit, LLC will being offering low-cost loans of daylight to those who promise to save it, the company announced. The program will initially only be available at the company’s Equity happy hour in San Francisco, but should spread to the rest of the country at a speed of approximately 670 million miles per hour.

“It’s quite simple,” said Michael Broxton, Vice President of Lasers. “We use telescopes to extract light from the distant past and offer it to you today — for a very reasonable price.” He declined to comment on the sustainability of this so-called “light mining,” saying only that the company was certain it would be able to meet customer needs over the lifetime of the universe.

The daylight savings and loan opening party will feature:

Octopod (veggie combo)
Cumulus (basil, tomatoes, and pine nuts)

* Offer not valid in Arizona, Hawaii, and other states or localities that do not observe Daylight Saving Time.

False Profit Records and Flowtoys invite you to join us in celebrating the release of Ganucheau’s beautiful new album, Elements.

• Ganucheau
• Dr. Toast
• Evolutionista
• Palindrome

$5 cover, or $10 including a code for digital download.

False Profit Records, a subsidiary of False Profit, LLC, announced today a new partnership with the country of Poland.

Poland’s latest progressive success in Parlimentary elections — with an unprecedented 10% of the vote going to a new party supporting gay rights, abortion rights and soft drug legalization — has opened the door to new world of diplomatic relationships.

Forward-looking corporations in both Europe and the US are looking to forge ties with these new political leaders. Ahead of the curve as usual, False Profit Records already reached an agreement with The Polish Ambassador. While the two have worked together in the past — most recently at the 2011 Priceless  summit in Beldentown, CA — the new deal caries historical import.

Investors are encouraged to download the goods — for free, of course:
Tama (Mali) – Snimbe (The Polish Ambassador Remix)

The first product of the partnership is today’s release of a Polish interpretation of a vital musical communication from the continent of Africa. Early reviewers are calling the release “worldly”, “richly melodic” and, “damn that bass sounds good.”

In response to last week’s Burning Man ticket lottery fiasco, False Profit, LCC has created a new currency called BurnerBucks. The launch party will take place at the Company’s monthly happy hour. Each BurnerBuck is backed by one authentic 2012 Burning Man ticket, just as each US dollar is backed by a deposit of gold in the US Treasury’s vault. Which is to say, not at all.

“Internal research indicates that current demand for Burning Man tickets exceeds supply by approximately 5000%, creating a perfectly spherical speculative bubble,” said staff econometrician Brendan Burnspan Colloran, speaking from behind a veil of smoke. He went on to explain that each BurnerBuck is actually a contract for delivery of a ticket. The Company plans to drive up the price of ticket contracts in the short term and then profit on the inevitable crash in the long run, as thousands of veteran burners and theme camps are unable to get tickets and decide not to attend. What could go wrong?

To launch this new currency product and attract counterparties for the Ticket Default Swap (TDS) insurance the Company hopes to purchase and securitize, False Profit, LLC has invited two of the Bay Area’s top musical selectors to their monthly happy hour:

• Genji (Pineapple, Jalapeño, Onion)
• KAP10 (Eggplant, Tomato, Ricotta)

As usual, the $2 fixed price of Red Stripe beers provides a solid anchor in these uncertain times.

No Bank Guarantee: BurnerBucks Accounts are not FDIC insured and may lose value.